Just one chapter of the story.

Happily. Ever. After.

       I  once thought marriage was a high point in life. Find the guy. Pick the perfect dress. Plan a beautiful party. Surround yourself with friends and family to celebrate this glorious moment of love. Although, I've never been the typical chick about it.  I didn't envision the dress since I was a teen. I didn't have a single detail planned out.  Did the idea interest me? Sure. But I never had too much "hope" in it. In fact, I remember having a moment in my heart when I told the Lord I was happy being single. Why did I have to get married?  It wasn't too long after that moment before I met the man I'd marry, Love, and give birth to our two beautiful, lovely children.  

 But marriage was hard. We fought. A lot. Heartache beyond heartache.  Some moments I block out because they are too painful to deal with. Moments that made me question my faith. I gave all I could but it wasn't enough. It failed. We were two broken people. Marriage was hard. Divorce is too. Too little too late. The damage was done. I'm left to pick up the pieces. Raising children in a broken home. Even that term is a constant reminder of failure.  It's hard. I have many questions. About the past. The current. The future. Pain can push people. Where you're pushed is up to you. There's a lot of maybe's. Could haves. Should haves. But the past is the past. I cannot change anything about it. I can only change in the present. 

I don't regret divorce. It was my choice. We are happier. Although, don't misinterpret. The goal is not to be happier. The goal was/is to find the deeper, richer, lovelier places in God. The goal is Love. The whole reason people travel thousands of miles to see another or promise "for better or for worse" to one another.  We weren't doing that.  We were reacting out of fear and pain to one another.  Over and over again. 

So now, we pick up the pieces. I offer the remnants and dare to have hope beyond the pain. Making sense of the woman who once was, who no longer is. 

I'm stronger. Yet more delicate. 

I'm wiser. But still a fool. 

My pain tried to tell me I'm unlovable. 

I am. Lovable. 

I know now that no matter what I do, how much I screw up, I can still come and sit in the presence of the Almighty. He accepts me for me. All my failures. All my fears. All my imperfections. I didn't know that before. My faith had to be radical to prove... Prove what? That I love God? To prove that I'd do anything for His love that I'd marry whomever..even if my heart felt amiss. But the heart is deceitful above all?!  Ok, forgive my rant. The heart is also the wellspring of life... that attempt at love brought two incredible babies into our life. It brought me to the woman I am today. The point? I started this talking about marriage. Divorce. Pain. I haven't spoken of it at all publicly. I guess I just wanted to process with you.. share my journey. It's just beginning.

In the end, it all comes back to love and the lack thereof.  It is the only thing I am sure of. Love made the beauty in a sunset. Love made me. Love made you. It seems everything around us has the ability to evoke love. To awaken the human heart that this world has tried tirelessly to numb, callous and destroy. 

You don't know this before you know Him (God), but He is love. That overwhelming feeling you've had over someone, That is God. That is what he is like. 

He is Love. It is a powerful, driving force that cannot be faked. It could be said that you can know Love and not know God.. just as you can experience a great gift without knowing the giver. 

So, yes.. I'm single. I'm a mom. I'm blessed beyond reason. I'm grateful. I'm sometimes angry. I'm sometimes ridiculously happy. I'm ok. I'm on a journey.. on a journey with Love. <3