Waves

There was, is, always this undertow…

Writing this is probably one of the “bravest” things I’ve done.  In this “current”, it can be difficult to know the rational from the irrational. To discern what’s really happening from what you think is happening. But wait. Stop. < That. That whole train of thought is what got you here in the first place.  

I found myself in these cycles of blaming myself.  Presently less than I used to.  In this text, I’m going to use vague descriptive.  It’s better that way… Imagine it as a sea...an ocean… Thoughts coming and going, like waves.

Wave…2016

I sat on my couch and told you about things. You asked me, “ But what did YOU do”?

By this time, my heart had already been so low that even this statement, even from you, couldn’t touch the “things” I’ve shoved down.

Wave… just drift…2006

Your anger was vile. The lamp broke, the keys hit the wall and my shock pushed dismay further into my … You left, I sank to my knees, yet again, and wept.

I still felt.

Wave…2008

She rested sweet; nestled on my breast, head on my shoulder. That rocker would put any one to sleep. This moment. With my first born, these were our firsts!

 I don’t even know why you were mad. You broke the lamp… my favorite accessory to her nursery. Something I thought we’d never have because it was expensive. But a special friend gave it to us. I loved that lamp.

It’s just a lamp.

Man this hurts.

Why is he so mad?

….Wave

I’ll grab something.. stay put!

You were so sick. Why did you drink so much?

…Wave

You’re Home. Where have you been? Have you been drinking? What’s wrong with you?! I’m calling the cops..

I can’t believe you just did that.. all the phones are broken?! Door handle gone?!  I’m so angry. What are we fighting about again?!… I almost hit you with that stick! OMG! Calm down, get it together, Grab her,… and go.

OMG.. he’s choking me, with her on my hip!

I can not believe this.

I CAN NOT BELIEVE THIS.

I’m out.

…Wave

He’s only human.. I shouldn’t have questioned him. I want this to work.

..Wave..2010

It’s mothers day, he’s two weeks old. I can not believe I’m going alone, with my two children.. alone.  Furious.

…wave, carried back slightly, just before he was born…

I want to die. I should just drink this ..

Wave.

“One more year.”  -He asked for.

….Wave.

This I’ll never forget.. after all we went through. This is the moment that my heart became irreparable with you. I bitched back; fighting for my right to have help. We just moved in. There’s stuff everywhere; these two kids have needs and I need your help. I demanded you to help. You demanded sleep.  As you went to the back of the house, I mouthed off at you. It was my fault. In your anger, and sleep deprivation, you reacted…THIS was the moment I was afraid of you.  Not while I looked into your eyes while your hands were .. Not in any of the other many, many fights.. This moment. This moment was the one moment I sensed danger. You didn’t… “Hurt” me. I don’t even really remember what you “did”.  Turned the kitchen table over, maybe? Punch the wall? I don’t know…I think we were all afraid. Thankfully, they were too young to remember. God, I hope so. 

..2011..wave.

Admitting I’m suicidal.

Admitting this is over.

I can’t fail.

I want to fix this.

..2012, wave.

He’s never going to change and there is nothing I can do about it.

Float.. on your back, ears under water…

I was so afraid to leave. Panic. Not because of what he might to do me, but because I felt I wasn’t strong enough to “swim against the current”.  What was the point? He’d wash over me with promises and we’d try again. I didn’t want to leave. I wanted it to work.

Reality… I was hollow. Some shell of a person, taking on the bulk of the responsibility for who was as fault. Or so it felt. The antidepressants helped. For me, the last 6 months were the best. That moment I packed... the kids clothes, my clothes, guitar, bible, laptop…closing the back hatch of my SUV with my youngest to go pick up my pre-k’er to head to….

Is this really happening? Wave, 2013.

…kick back on shore..

REST, let the sun kiss you. 2016>

To feel joy, hate, happiness, love, kindness, disappointment.. yea. All that. To feel.

Listen to the waves.